Surrender has been this theme in my life lately (like the past 8 years) its my word, my motto although the patterns in my little life have been the opposite -fight! charge! win! And although these patterns are necessary in moments like in all those soccer games i played in from ages 7-18 and (actually went on my senior year of h.s. to play in the State Final Game in Slidell, LA-which we lost 4-3) or the time i failed the swimming part of my lifeguard exam my senior year of h.s. and almost drowned then went and had swimming lessons and swam every freaking day for 6 weeks then passed/became a lifeguard/did summer staff at Lake Champion/Jesus changed my life... but when it comes to living life surrender is most definitely what i need... let me explain .... 8 years ago our marriage was literally falling apart and my counselor asked me "raina, what do you think about weakness?" and i reply "thats a stupid question" and she looked at me over her reading glasses, and asked me "well what does Jesus think about weakness?" Boom i was discipled ( looked up 2 Corinthians 12:9) we are designed to live Life from another - a source who possesses it -I know this- and believe it but do I believe it? Its an ongoing process of choosing to surrender and it starts with my mind, my thoughts, NOT my emotions... let me give you 2 examples
1. Headed to Nicaragua with Young Life College for 8 days, Allen and I had dropped off my kids with my parents, I'm crying hysterically (like snot filled, ugly crying) bc I was imagining horrible things happening to my babies while we were in another country... FEAR FEAR! I asked Allen if he had a verse to combat this feeling of fear I was having and he said ,"While I was in Afghanistan (serving with National Guard) I had to just surrender my life every moment that I may die or worse get my leg blown off by a land mine." THATS it? just lay down and surrender something like your life? Surrender my children? to Jesus? But, that sucks. I would rather have a fight verse, or DO something... but in my heart at that moment i experienced peace. After all Jesus surrendered His life, he didn't hold onto his "rights", I can trust him...he understands... oh wait and Jesus loves them more than me, He loves them perfectly..., my emotions continued to scream NOOOOOOO! Fight! but I believed by faith, and I chose to surrender them and eventually my emotions calmed down, but the next hour I had to do it again, and the next day, but after that it wasn't so dramatic and I was able to fully give my heart to these YL college girls and listen to them and be available to them on the trip... and it was wonderful.
2.Leaving the beach Sunday, can't find Ellie G's Chacos that I JUST BOUGHT ... she left them on the boardwalk (normal... you leave your shoes and no one EVER messes with your stuff on the beach- its like on Oceans 13 "you shook Sinatra's hand", its like an unwritten code) but they weren't there, STOLEN. What the fridge? So I had a brief freak out, punching people in my mind, yelling and screaming and gaining some sort of "CONTROL" yeah right, when something is stolen from you its such a horrible feeling, no control and you know it and can't do a dang thing about it... so I had to endure Allen's little innocent comment of "maybe next time you should buy her a cheap pair of flip flops from Wal-Mart" ( replayed in my mind with a nagging baby voice), then I knew what was next, surrender. Release my "grip" and let them go, I actually had to open my hands and turn them up towards heaven. And I did the whole replaying over and over in my mind what I should have done different or how I wanted to say cutting comments to sweet Ellie G about responsibility and all that, but I know better. And thank goodness I kept all that ugly to myself and talked it out with Jesus and truly surrendered them over. Besides Jesus knows exactly where the sandles are and if he wanted me to find them He can move heaven and earth... but my kind mom called me yesterday and offered to buy her a new pair- so cool.
surrrender (verb) to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: